Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
