Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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