I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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