You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My ass is underappreciated
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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