I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
