It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
