i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
