My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
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I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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