i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
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Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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