I am spending my child support on dildos
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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