Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
