I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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