You really coming over, don't trick.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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