i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
