listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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