I will die if light touches me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
