Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
