peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it hurts more in the daytime
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
