Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
