i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
