"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
