Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love you. Go after that dick
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
