i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
