he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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