Princesses don't give blow jobs
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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