textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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