how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I checked into jail on foursquare
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
