don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
