I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
