someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The uberlube is also flammable
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
