You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
