Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Will you blow on my dice?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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