The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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