6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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