I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
