I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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