so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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