there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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