I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
