You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
