every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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