i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk is not a location!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
