wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
