Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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