i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
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The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
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He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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