dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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