the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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