3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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