Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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