Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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