Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
