It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
