6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
