I think im going to throw up on grandma
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
