i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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