We are two peas in an std pod
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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