Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sext me about skeletons
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
