i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
