I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
