You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
