dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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