just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
