Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I think i got beer on your cat.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
