i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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