some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
